August 1st, 2010
“I love you.” I said to him as they wheeled him out of the hospital room.
“I love you too. So much.”
I was really distraught about this whole situation. We were only in high school and I was going to die. See, I have had kidney problems since I was 5 or 6, and been on the wait list for a new one. Well now, 10 years later, I desperately needed one. When I told my boyfriend of 3 years I was going to die, he was shocked and wanted to do anything he could do. After two weeks he is in the hospital with me, and currently going in for a kidney check. They have to make sure everything is working right and prepare for the transplant.
According to the doctor, my kidney type was rare and it was going to be difficult to find a donor that matched me. I guess my boyfriend and I were a perfect match. Haha. Ah,it’s good to laugh. I was so off ease with this whole thing. Humans are born with an extra kidney, but it is still major surgery and there can be so many complications. I could die either way, but now someone I deeply care about could too. Being wheeled into the operating room I kind of realized how big a deal this is. He was already put under and I wished I could wake him up. I wanted to ask him for the 80th time today, if he was ok with this, and if he was sure. I knew I was wasn’t.
That was my last thought before the surgery. That I wasn’t ok with this and I didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want him to die either. My first thought upon waking up, was “Is he ok?” I realized I spoke that thought, because I heard his smooth voice respond.
“Haha, yes you are alive and doing well, not that you seem to care.”
I opened my eyes with a sigh of relief, to see him laying in a hospital bed right next to me. His face was glowing. The green in his eyes was the most beautiful color in the room, no, in the world. He was smiling hugely and reached his hand out. I could barely grab it but when I did, I thought I would never let go. We were both perfectly fine, and together. I couldn’t ask for more.
He fell asleep quickly and I found out he had been awake for 6 hours waiting to make sure I was ok. Still holding on to his hand I sighed again. I couldn’t believe we actually went through this. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEP!
I woke up again and looked around to investigate the piercing beep noise and noticed a crowd of 4 or 5 nurses around my boyfriend’s bed. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” I sat up and realized no one was listening to me. They were all yelling things and I couldn’t see him at all.
“Failure…didn’t work”
“Maybe another…?”
“No….unstable.”
“Match…. way to do it.”
Those are the only words I heard and I swear my heart stopped beating. My eyes erupted with fluid and I started practically yelling. “What is wrong?!?!”
My mom came running in because she heard me and immediately started explaining all she knew. “The transplant wasn’t successful. His other kidney isn’t responding. They don’t know what to do. He may die.”
The room nearly froze. It seemed like everything was going in slow motion. I could no longer hear what anyone was saying. I was dizzy and my eyelids were attempting to close. I swung my leg out of the bed, and though I know my mom and new kidney were protesting, I couldn’t hear them. Only one thing mattered now.
I stumbled over to his bed. I could barely walk yet I pushed my way through the nurses. I could start to hear a bit of yelling, but everything was still fairly mute. His eyes were closed and as I reached to touch his face, my mother grabbed my hand to get my attention. I shrugged her off and touched him with my other hand. He opened his eyes and gave me the best smile he could.
“You will live.” He told me.
“No, you will.” I responded. At this point I was practically dragged to my bed and didn’t fight back because my side was in immense pain.
I watched as his lips mouthed, “No.” He started crying and repeating himself over and over “No. No. No”
I asked my mom to put me in a wheelchair and go for a walk. I didn’t think she would understand, but I had to talk to her. By the time I was leaving, only one nurse remained at his bed where he was sleeping restlessly. “How long?” I asked, with an unsteady voice.
“8 or 9 hours.”
My mom continued to push me away from him as I held back a wave of tears. He was such a good guy. At 15 years old he doesn’t deserve to die. Especially when the worst thing he had done was forget to return a library book. I wanted to roll up in a ball and close my eyes. Just scream! Why couldn’t I scream? All of a sudden I got so mad. This isn’t how life is supposed to be. It is supposed to be nice, and not easy, but livable. I won’t live! He won’t live! This isn’t fair. I will ever be able to get married, or have kids. Hell, I won’t be able to finish high school!
This will be the biggest decision of my life. But I’m ready to make it. He deserves the kidney. He deserves to live. I’m writing this in the operating room. We are about to be put under. He is crying and says he doesn’t want to do it, but I know he doesn’t want to die either. As they put the mask on him and I I say “I love you and always will. When you wake up, you will be sad that I’m gone, but remember that my last memory, is love for you. Move on and ind new people, get married, have kids, be happy, but please remember how much I love you.” My words faded but I knew he heard. And I know he will always remember.