Butterfly Diaries A teen on a quest to be a better writer

Reasonless, but not Guiltless – Week 8

I kept my hands flat on the table where I could see them, not trusting myself or the thoughts in my head. There was a frightening energy warming my skin and blackening my vision. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, I just wanted to scream, beat my fists into the wall until my fingers broke,and then paint with the blood
I smiled to myself, feeling the tears in my eyes, something heavy pressing into my chest so I could hardly breathe. I thought about the motionless body upstairs and the darkness around it. I got that desperate feeling, the panicky need to react, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it. I wanted to run away, beat it down until it’s stops screaming, put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
I ran my thumbs along the edge of the table, trying to remember the name of the song playing in my head. My mouth tasted dry and dirty. I picked a piece of lint up off the tabletop and rolled it between my fingertips. I heard a clock ticking…tick, tock, tick, tock, time..to…die, tock.
I laughed and did my best to choke back the scream in my throat. But I could still feel it there, trapped inside with everything I couldn’t say. I hated it for it’s weakness, hated myself for allowing it to live. I wanted to cut it out of my skin and pretend it was never there.
Climbing the stairs, I tried to breathe. My chest rose and fell as my eyes tried to ignorethe sickly green walls. My bedroom door closed behind me, shutting out the world and locking me inside . I fell to the ground and stared at the flies on the ceiling. I felt so silent, like I had no tongue, no way to put voice to the things inside, no way to cry….like no one would care even if I could.
An angry self-disgust uncurled itself inside my stomach, turning my insides hot and sick I needed to get myself back under control, kill the demons inside before they ripped my body apart. Otherwise, I felt like I could almost hurt someone else, cut them until they bleed the way I  always did.
I left the light off, trying to hide from myself in a way and not see the ugliness hidden underneath my skin. The knife touched my skin and I felt cold, and alone. I saw everything I hate about myself, and it made me want to stab myself in the throat.
The cool wood pressing against my back didn’t do anything to stop my body from burning. I could smell the blood on my skin, the raw insides from the cuts I made. They smelled like death.
Swallowing hard, I rubbed my sweaty palms over my thighs and pushed the door open with my foot. I hesitated for a moment, understanding that there would be no coming back. But I couldn’t make myself care. Slowly, I got off the floor. I stepped inside and closed the door behind myself.
The silence was complete, total. There in that room, time didn’t exist. I didn’t exist, neither did the world, nor the woman asleep in her bed. We were all just ghosts caught in our own lusts and guilts. What happened here, no one will ever say.
My footsteps were silent as I approached the bed. I couldn’t even hear my own heart beating.  I stood beside her head and looked down at her face. I brushed my fingertips over the scars on her arms, confusion and anger blurring my eyes. For a moment, I almost pitied her.  I understood her pain and realized how closely it resembled my own. Then I remembered the role I was playing and I bit it back until the only thing I could feel was the pulse in my wrists.
My breath came faster. I licked my lips and focused my eyes on the delicate blue veins in the side of her neck. I watched her blood pulse beneath her skin as I reached over her and took the pillow from next to her head. I grabbed it tightly in both hands and smiled because I didn’t know what else to do but press the pillow over her face.
Her fingers curled around my wrists, yet her touch seemed to be thanking me. A desperate, angry panic seized me and I pressed down harder, biting my tongue and tasting my own blood. I wanted her to fight me. Just to show some kind of emotion, give me something to rage  against, a justification for the rage I’ve always felt. But she lie there motionless, and after a while, her chest stopped rising.
It was done and I didn’t know what else to do. I stared down at her, telling myself that she was dead. But it was difficult to understand what that meant, to believe that something so horrible could be so easily done….like closing my fist around a baby animal and squeezing until it’s bones broke.
I stepped away from her, pressing my back into the wall and staring at the floor. I ran my hands through my hair. I looked at what I had done and I didn’t feel anything at all. I knew I should, atleast some kind of guilt, or maybe satisfaction. All I had left was the ghost in my chest and the blatant evidence of my murder lying on the bed.
I wasn’t certain of my reason for living. I wasn’t even sure I was real. I could have been a dream… Someone else’s nightmare. Though considering it, I knew it didn’t matter. So I went to sleep and forgot that any of it ever happened. And when I wake, we’ll do it again.

35 Thoughts on “Reasonless, but not Guiltless – Week 8

  1. It’s a real plueasre to find someone who can think like that

  2. That’s a wetgllhou-ht-out answer to a challenging question

  3. Read my books on the subject of global warming where I refuted Al Gore in books published between 2006 and 2008. I show a graph of the global temperature over the last 4500 years. Books puohbsledBeyind Global WarmingFacts and Myths Facing Today’s WorldCrises of The 21st Century.They show what is really the things more important than controlling CO2 etc. Mainly focused on the lost of oil and its derivatives by 2037. No way to fly an airplane above 5000 feet economically. Liquid Natural Gas too heavy and inefficient for commercial flights.John Durbin Husher

  4. Oh do I know the feeling! I was in your same shoes last year around this time, working a full time job, working on my mba at night, and I had just started my blog. It’s tough so hang in there. Prioritizing is the #1 key and I think you are doing a fantastic job with evnt!rhiegy!!

  5. I've never done any unnatural link building, and only posted high quality original content. And yet, my sites continue to slide in the search results. I'm just tired of trying to unrntsdaed Google and their BS.

  6. Yes! Nivea and La Mer are he same!! I know a girl that worked at Jo Malone and La mer and she actlaluy told me they ingred are exactly the same. I used to use La Mer and loved it for some reason I am scared to put Nivea on my face. Has it clogged your pores at all? xx

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  20. Oh my goodness! an amazing article dude. Thanks However I am experiencing problem with ur rss . Don’t know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone getting an identical rss downside? Anybody who is aware of kindly respond. Thnkx

  21. May26Ian I have not in fact used a dual sim phone, but from what others have told me the two sims frequently do not play well together. The best option might be to switch to some sort of internet based messaging service or maybe Skype.

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  24. Sure, but Wikipedia is not a serious resarch tool. So, I think it is unfair to use Wikipedia to represent the entire internet. I just disagree with the statement: “nothing on the internet matters.”

  25. Wham bam thank you, ma’am, my questions are answered!

  26. marco scamardella · giovedì, 6 dicembre 2012, 8:42 ammica vero censura e nessun appoggio mediatico radical chic liberal stanno lì tranquilli , ammazzando la gente sono, incredibilmente , peggio

  27. You actually make it appear so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I think I’d never understand. It sort of feels too complicated and extremely broad for me. I’m taking a look aheadfor your next submit, I will attempt to get the hold of it!

  28. Ó Paulo, nada como alguém “de casa” para etiquetar a pista com o nome da cidade. Vou manter “Algarve”, porque amo também Loulé, Tavira e Sagres… :-)Um abs!

  29. There’s nothing like the relief of finding what you’re looking for.

  30. I can’t hear anything over the sound of how awesome this article is.

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  32. After I initially commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any method you’ll be able to remove me from that service? Thanks!

  33. Great hair, pulling off the adorable hat, sweet sweater…Lydia's got it all! =)I live in sunny Florida, and unfortunately, it won't be sweater weather for quite a while yet. Which is sad, because I loove wearing sweaters and jackets.

  34. Hi Walter: Liz at Clark Summit turned me on to your site and I love reading about your pigs and the ins and outs of hog farming the right way. I have to tell you though, you might want to work on which Google ads you block — it’s currently displaying an ad that takes you straight to a PETA site!With great admiration for what you do,Bonnie

  35. Christi, I literally cannot believe you posted cheese grits. I just had a long discussion about these with a friend of mine. We were discussing the fact that some recipes we remember had Kraft garlic cheese are part of them, and I can’t find that anywhere in Florida. My mother used to make them with the rolls of garlic cheese, and they were WONDERFUL. So I’m glad to see your recipe that calls for garlic and cheese but not the rolls of garlic cheese. YEA!Thanks for sharing and Happy Foodie Friday!XO,Sheila

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