November 16th, 2012
I’m tired of my body being a topic of conversation during foreplay.
The truth is, when kissing leads to touching and clothes start coming off, I get scared.
As hands cover my thighs I remember when I had the pleasure of only being ashamed of the fat on my body.
That’s an easy thing to get over because they know before they get you in bed, that you’re fat.
He got what he bargained for on that one but the most embarrassing part of my body is not visible while I’m clothed.
Tonight his touch burns me with fear as if his fingernails were claws dancing recklessly above my veins.
As soon as my legs are bare, I get goosebumps of anticipation.
The god damn tattoo draws attention and I hope he doesn’t notice,
But I feel his kisses slow down when he reaches my thighs.
His fingertips start tracing in a different way, feeling the way how scars raise millimeters above the skin still managing to stand out like mountains in Kansas.
I stop moaning in sync with his movements. I know what comes next.
Shifting up on his arms he looks at me, climbing back up my body to kiss my lips.
“I’m sorry.” He tells me, “I’m sorry.”
Having to push away the hope we’re going any further tonight, I sigh, letting out months of curbed frustration.
“It was a long time ago. Don’t be sorry.”
He doesn’t like this answer. He wants to stay up and talk about them. He wants me to tell him a story about every time I bled. Then he’ll be okay with it. He needs a reason.
I remember when I wanted people to ask. I wanted them to notice and care and pay attention and now the scars host pure resentment.
I wish I would of used the medication earlier.
I wish I would of cut more so I could claim it was a skin condition.
I wish he was blind so he wouldn’t notice
but I never wish to go back.
Ashamed of the defects but solid behind their reasons.
This is not a topic of conversation, at least, I don’t want it to be.
Not every sad man on the bus needs to comment on the lighter burns covering my arm.
I just want to be able to have sex without telling them, “Yeah. I used to cut myself. I used to burn myself. I used to rip my skin open because I couldn’t breathe or think or live without it.”
Why aren’t self induced scars as sexy as the results of last year’s knife fight?
Why can’t we fool around strategically placed silence?
Either way, you won’t want to talk to me in the morning.
Either way, the scars will still be there, I can only hope they keep fading
like your faith in me.
November 3rd, 2012
I never wanted to be a ballerina. I never wanted to be an astronaut. I never even wanted to be a rock star. Since age 5, I wanted to be a teacher. A shepherd. A compass.
Directing the sheep and teaching them to be wolves.
I wanted to be a pencil, a paintbrush, a muse.
Finding the kids who cry themselves to sleep and replacing their shot glasses and razor blades with this new age thing called art.
My goal in life since I knew the definition of the word was to inspire. To trigger the next Van Gogh. Not to better my own life, but society as a whole.
Like all the other dreaming children who became plumbers and insurance salesmen instead of dancers and spacemen, it all fell apart.
Acne and emptiness came hand in hand. I no longer knew who I was, and what I wanted to be became no more then an optimistic, “one day.”
My mind was once a thrift store, everything was second hand, but good quality.
Now it’s a flea market. Cheap Dora the Explorer knock offs drowning out any good thing that could possibly manifest.
I can’t inspire anything when my thoughts consist of the future and how the consequences of my life choices would fuck it all up.
Floating along, too busy avoiding the rocks and whirlpools to build the awesome waterslide I once had the courage to imagine.
What it comes down to, is I’ve lost my inspiration to inspire and that’s just sad.
June 18th, 2012
These infinite efforts to ban you from my thoughts keep falling short
Earth’s twisted serendipity landed me in your arms then ripped us apart
When we’re this far, my nerves get sharp and my soul gets cold
Memories of us, haunting my consciousness as these tears drown my face
Scooting my body over, making space that I know you’ll never fill
Reaching for shadows, hugging pillows, dreaming of your touch
Endlessly trapped in this darkness, longing for my Sunshine
Wishing on every star, dandelion, and eyelash for your warmth once more
The absence of your lips on mine is the only thought under this sky
Torturing myself with the constant recall of your effervescent laughter
This patch work quilt of my thoughts won’t hush or comfort
This twisted idea of an ephemeral infinity leaves me speechless again
Now that my pen dies and my eyes droop I regrettably bid farewell
As the sun rises, you’ll hear from me but tonight this must end
July 19th, 2011
*I know, I know, this is not Chameleon Circuit lyrics…but I needed to post it. I wrote this for a school poetry project and kinda like it. What do you think?*
Swirling through my head
are the thoughts of him
Probably more now
then when I saw him
I keep picturing
his so loving arms
Reaching out for me
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April 7th, 2011
The troubles weighing down on his heart are not the troubles you ‘d expect.
Love, school, friendship. No that is not what fills this 10 year old’s mind.
Instead, his mind is filled with hate, depression, and abusive comments.
His heart is breaking with the repetition of the hatred bestowed upon him.
Daily he is told he is worthless and phrases like “Go to hell jack-ass”
and “Please die already.”constantly being shoved in his tear covered face.
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April 6th, 2011
My hands scrape down the rocks as my body slides into the water
Feet first I fall slowly into the refreshing body of wetness.
My head is submerged as I keep my mouth closed holding in air
My hair flows away from my head making me a medusa lookalike.
My eyes start to slightly burn but I keep them open and stare
I stare at the bubbles from my dip, floating to the surface.
My legs spread apart and make motions like a frog and move me down
My arms move instinctively like an airplane, to push down further.
I moved down and am still ok on air, I listen to the complete silence
The silence is unbearable so I think. I think of him.
I think of his smile and his hair, along with the way he held my hand
I remember catching lizards and singing in the hot tub.
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